Deepening the Relationships you have with the People you Lead

It takes more than listening well and asking good questions to make a great small-group leader. Great small-group leaders seek to understand their group members. They want to know what makes each person tick. They are fully aware that discipleship requires a deeper level of connection than average relationships. In discipleship relationships, we need more than the CliffsNotes on our group members—we need a deep understanding of who they are. Instead, we must think of every person in our group as people with full stories, and we can approach getting to know them like getting to know a good book.

Just like a story, each of us is a mix of important factors. They interact to give depth and development to our lives. If you're like me, you learned the five elements of a story in middle school: setting, characters, plot, conflict, and theme. These are fantastic lenses through which we can understand the members of our group.

Think through the following five story elements for each person in your group and consider: What can I learn about him or her? How can I better lead them and serve him or her?

Setting

Where has this person lived? What is his or her heritage?

My first time volunteering in the church was to help lead a small group of middle-school boys. The director, knowing I was brand-new, paired me with the ministry's most experienced leader. I got to tag along and learn. Over time, this leader asked me to contribute, but it didn't always go smoothly. This first time I was asked to pray at the end of one of our sessions, I said, "Dear God, thank you for this conversation, and help us to do your will as a result. Goodbye."

Goodbye? Who says that at the end of a prayer? All the boys giggled. I laughed it off, but I wondered what they and the more experienced leader thought of my mistake. It's dangerously easy to make some assumptions in those moments, especially when we don't know the person's background.

If they had known my story they would know the church setting in which I grew up. I was very experienced in prayer, but they were memorized or read out loud. I had never been in a situation where I needed to pray out loud, coming up with the words on my own. Without seeing my prayer through the lens of my history, it could have been seen as a lack of a personal prayer life.

Do you fully understand the pasts of your group members? Do you know where they come from, their heritage, and their family life growing up? These are important factors in understanding them today.

Characters

Who has influenced this person's life? Who matters to him or her?

There are no great stories without great characters. Stories center on people because people matter to us. They are a major influence on our lives and can often be turning points in a story.

How tiresome would it be to have Abbott without Costello? Without Jack and Rose, The Titanic would shift from being a love story to a survival movie. If The Office focused only on Jim and never introduced the other characters it would be a show about selling paper. Stories without characters become incredibly dry, or vanish altogether.

The same is true if you look at an individual's life through the lens of story. Consider the narrative of Jacob's life in the book of Genesis. The writer spends an entire chapter just on Jacob's preparation to reunite with Esau. If you didn't know the history of these two brothers this would be confusing. Knowing their relationship, it becomes quite clear what Jacob means in his prayer in Genesis 32:11: "Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children."

Do you have a sense of the people who played major roles in your group members' lives? As the old adage says, "A person is known by the company he (or she!) keeps."

Plot

What main events have occurred that have shaped this person? What are the major high points and low points of his or her life?

My favorite tool to kick off small-group meetings is an exercise called, Peaks and Valleys. Group members draw a horizontal timeline across a piece of paper. On the left is the year of their birth. On the right is the present year. Each person then draws a line from left to right that fluctuates above and below the timeline like an EKG report. Anything above the line is something good or positive, and anything below is something painful or negatively impactful. The farther up or down the line is drawn, the more impactful the event was. If you got married in a certain year, for instance, your line might go quite a bit higher than your baseline. If a relative passed away, your line would undoubtedly drop bit at that year.

What you end up with is a graphical representation of the plot of each group member's life. Amazing revelations undoubtedly occur as you learn how major events have shaped each person in the room.

A close friend of mine recently described a struggle he and his wife were having. They found it difficult to understand why God appears to be silent at times, even in the midst of tragedy or great need. During our conversation, he revealed that his wife was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago when she was in her 20's. They almost didn't have kids as a result. I asked him a number of follow-up questions, because I realized experiences that happened during that trial were directly linked to the challenge they were encountering today. Without knowing that critically important plot point in their story, I would only have been able to minister at a superficial level. Instead, we were able to talk about his walk with God in light of it and make some real progress.

Do you know your group members' peaks and valleys? Do they know yours?

Conflict

What major problems has this person encountered? What big challenges is he or she facing right now?

Imagine you're on a sailboat in Lake Michigan, just off the coast of Chicago. The skyline is in view as you enjoy the brisk spring air. Suddenly, you notice something in your periphery. There's someone in the water! You adjust your course and head for the person in need. The person is shouting, "Help! I'm drowning!"

It would be totally inappropriate to shout back: "It's okay! I'm a fantastic swimming instructor! I'll teach you to swim right now so you can swim to shore!"

Some of the members of our group could be in this situation. They may have a failing marriage that is failing, have recently experienced a job loss, or are dealing with a scary health diagnosis. As leaders, we must be sensitive to these conflicts and challenges. God wants to meet his children in their distress and need, and we can be his hands and feet. Knowing the conflicts (past and present) of your group members is an opportunity to minister to them more effectively.

What major conflicts have your group members dealt with? What are they currently dealing with?

Theme

What major lessons or principles has this person lived by or discovered?

Few people walk around being able to identify the major themes of their life. It is only after much reflection and prayer that we are able to recognize major themes than run through our experiences. Part of that is because we seldom stop to speak into one another in this important way.

Not long ago, I was asked to officiate a funeral for my friend's father. He was the oldest male in the family, and I was blown away by what was said about him. Every child and grandchild that came forward mentioned the same thing: He served his family in love. Surely, he had many other traits—good and bad—but this one thing is what he would be remembered for.

I love helping my group members consider the themes of their lives. Conversations about theme are intimate, however, and require a high level of trust. After your group has covered some ground, and is comfortable sharing vulnerably, ask these important questions about theme:

  • What is the one lesson God keeps reminding you of?
  • What is the legacy you want to leave behind?
  • What one value do you want to pass on to your children?
  • If you could finish one thing by the end of your life, what would it be?

These are future-oriented questions, but the answers only make sense in light of the past. Bryan Loritts once said, "Often our greatest passion is birthed out of our greatest pain." If something is strong enough to be a theme of your life in your future then there is already evidence of it being a theme in your present.

 

—Jon Noto is a community life pastor and licensed clinical counselor at Willow Creek Community Church's North Shore campus.

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What Student Small Groups Can Teach us about Leading Adults

If you're reading this, chances are good that you're a dedicated group leader. But whether you're brand new to this role, or you've been doing it for years, there's one important thing you need to remember—your role as group leader goes beyond the time you spend together in group. Small-group ministry happens even when the group isn't actually together.

Student Small Group leaders play a vital role in the lives of teenagers. They are the people on the front lines interacting with them each week and the work they do, while incredibly challenging, is priceless.

Leading a student Small Group mirrors what happens in an adult group in many ways. Two of the most important elements of connecting with teens are also vital in being an effective adult Small Group leader. Let's take a look at these two important traits:

Be Personal

How well do you know the people in your small group? How well do they know you?  Being personal means building individual connections with group members. We often talk about drive-thru and sit-down relational experiences. Sometimes life is busy, and all you have time for is a quick trip through the drive-thru. It isn't the best meal in the world, but it will sustain you for the short-term. Strive to make weekly personal drive-thru connections with your group members—quick little reminders to let them know they matter to you. This might be a quick text, stopping by their house, or just having a short conversation between services on a Sunday morning. These simple reminders help sustain your personal connection.

We can't, however, live on drive-thru all the time. We need to have actual sit-down meals when we take a little longer in order to have a more beneficial experience. Go to a student's soccer game, band concert, or play. Plan a get together over coffee or dinner with your families. What if you had a sit-down experience with every member of your group at least once a semester? How about once a month? This type of personal connection requires a bit of planning, but the result is well worth the investment of time.

You Matter

Small-group leader, you probably don't hear it enough, but you matter. A lot. The work you do is incredible. The ministry you are part of needs you more than you realize. 

I know that there is more to your life than the people in your small group. I know that it may seem impossible to find open space in your calendar to invest in them more than during your weekly meetings. But let me ask you this: Why did you want to lead a small group?

Seriously, why did you get into this role? I'm guessing it had something to do with wanting to help people navigate the crazy world we're living in, and helping them find and follow Jesus Christ. Isn't the kingdom of God worth our time and attention? I want to challenge you to see the potential your role offers, to dig just a little bit deeper and try something new. To those of you who not only lead an adult Small Group, but a student Small Group as well, thank you for investing in the lives of our students.

This article is excerpted from the training tool Effective Small Groups.

—Ryan Schaible is the Youth Ministries Director at Hosanna Lutheran Church in St. Charles, Illinois; copyright 2015 by Christianity Today.

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Why Small Groups Need to be on Mission

Small groups are much more than just a tool of our churches. Being connected to a church can provide strong Christian relationships (which are necessary), but that's not enough. Still others think that small groups exist to be Bible Studies. Many people put a premium on Bible study and Bible teaching, and these have historically produced believers who are very biblically literate. After all, knowing the Bible transforms people. Right? Not necessarily. There are plenty of people who know the Bible well but still live and behave like pagans. In 1 Corinthians 8:1 Paul wrote, "While knowledge may make us feel important, it is love that really builds up the church" (NLT). Bible studies can provide strong Christian knowledge (which is necessary), but that's just not enough.

Remember, Jesus' parting words in Matthew 28:19 were to "go and make disciples of all nations." Discipleship is so much more than Christian relationships and Christian knowledge. Those are two ingredients, but without a third ingredient, true discipleship doesn't happen. So what's that third ingredient? Christian action. "Christian" means imitating Christ, and Jesus' method for making disciples looked a lot different than the methods we find in most of our churches. How did Jesus promote Christian relationships, knowledge, and action? By living on mission.

Mark and Amy's Group

Mark and Amy had a small group of six people and they decided to participate in a one-day mission event coordinated by their church. The mission was to take backpacks filled with school supplies to the poorest elementary school in the area and give them to every student on the role.

Something happened to Mark and Amy's group that day that they didn't expect. They saw more than just happy kids getting free stuff; they saw kids who needed role models, single moms who needed love and ongoing support, and one fourth grade teacher in particular who really grabbed their hearts. When the event was over they asked the teacher if she would let them adopt her class for the entire school year. She didn't really know what they meant, but she said yes.

Every time that class had a party, Mark and Amy's group was there with cupcakes. Every time there was a school play, the group was there to cheer on the kids. Every time there was a field trip, the group was there to chaperone. Every time there was a need in the class, the group was there to meet it.

Before long Mark and Amy's group started inviting the kids to church with them; sure enough, the kids came. Every weekend the group would walk into church with three or four extra kids. Soon one of the kid's mothers came to church, too. And one weekend that mom gave her life to Christ! Eternity was changed because a group handed out school supplies and then went all out in love.

Misplaced Priorities

Our small groups need to quit worrying about whether or not a lesson is prepared every week. We certainly need to quit focusing so much attention on who is bringing enchiladas to group next week. What we need to do is become more like Mark and Amy's group. We need to focus more of our attention on reaching a world that desperately needs Jesus.

No greater learning comes than what we learn to be on mission. No greater fellowship is experienced than what we are on mission. No greater disciples are produced than those produced on mission. When we get off the couch with our small groups and live together on mission, we'll learn a ton, love each other more, and we'll truly be Jesus' disciples.

It's time for your group to get up. Go out. Look with Jesus' eyes. Find a cause. Meet needs. Share the gospel. Change the world!

 

- adopted from Alan Danielson's article on Smallgroups.com copyright 2010 by the author and Christianity Today International.

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How to Communicate more Effectively to your Small Group, Part 2

Last week we began a series of posts about "How to Communicate more Effectively to your Small Group" and we shared some tips on the mode of communication that we have found to be the most effective. This week, we want to delve further into this topic by looking at a crucial element of the communication process–building a relational connection.

John Maxwell, who is one of the premier leadership experts in the country wrote in his book, "Everyone Communicates, Few Connect" that building a connection with people, "is essential for anyone who wants to build great relationships..." How do we do that? Here are some tips for building a connection with the people in your Small Group.

Tip #1 - Make a connection with new group members quickly. As a Small Group leader one of our roles is to make people feel welcomed and loved. This needs to start the moment that they sign-up for a Small Group! The longer that we wait to connect with people, the more doubt and fear can creep into their minds which may cause them to bail on attending a Small Group.

Tip #2 - Go out of your way to make new group members feel welcome. It is really easy in the course of leading your group meeting that you forget to connect with new members. Make it a point of emphasis that whenever you have new members at your group meeting you take time to talk to them, and begin to build a relationship with them. This can be as simple as just asking them a few questions like "tell me how long you have been attending Parkway?" If you wanted to go a step farther, invite them to have lunch after church.

The biggest take-away from failing to make a connection with people in our Small Groups is, we run the risk of them not engaging at a relationship level. This can cause them to turn away from being involved in a Small Group at all! Once people have made their minds up that Small Groups are not a place where I feel accepted and welcome, it's really hard to change their mind. It's imperative that we do all that we can as leaders to connect with people relationally, which will be the foundation for us to communicate effectively.

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How to Communicate more Effectively to your Small Group, Part 1

Last week we looked at the question that we are most often asked as Small Group Pastor's 'how can I get more people to join my group?' This week we wanted to focus on the second most asked question that we get as Small Group Pastor's 'why are people not coming to my group or responding to my emails?' Communicating important information to your Small Group is one of your most important roles as the leader. We know from experience that when people are 'out of the loop' or miss an important piece of communication from their group leader, they become frustrated and it gives them a reason to bail on Small Group.

We want to help you better communicate with your Small Group! Over the next couple of weeks we are going to be sharing some tips on how  you can communicate more effectively with your Small Group. 

  • Tip #1 - Avoid send it and forget it communication! There use to be a time, not that long ago, when sending an email to someone was all the communication that you needed. Unfortunately, that time as come and gone as less and less people are checking their personal email. Email has become something that is associated with work or filed with spam, so people are not reading it consistently. You cannot rely on just sending one email and expecting that people will read it. If you send an email, follow up with a text or better yet, a phone call. 
  • Tip #2 - Text instead of email. Many people have moved exclusively to texting instead of email for communication. We have found that people will respond to a text message before they will respond to emails. 
  • Tip #3 - Technology is your friend. There are a number of great tools available to help you communicate with your group. These include:
    • GroupMe - a free messaging app for group texts
    • Facebook Messenger - a free messaging app that you do not have to be on Facebook to use
    • Band - a free app that you can use to organize and communicate with your group.
    • Your texting app on your mobile device - Whether you are using Android or Apple, you can create group text threads to communicate with your group.

Communicating more effectively starts with understanding how people converse today and that is almost exclusively through texts, DM's, and PM's. Next week we will look at some ways that you can lay a foundation for effective communication through the entire semester.

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